I always had the need to find a way to define myself, or to define my souls quest, into a solid vocation, a purpose or reason to live.
However, I did not find it. Yet. My mind has its really high demands of finding a perfect answer or definition to my purpose. But not everyone finds that. And maybe I am one of those...and maybe its not such a big issue. Some people never even question their existence, and live and move along and are extremely happy. Should I aim for that simple life? Could I find peace within me to do it?
I do believe that people with a certain level of sensibility, or that soul ignition that won't let them rest in peace, will never be at ease not expressing this or finding ways to "find something". But I really wish I did not have that belief in my system so I could believe the contrary and be happy. Rest.
The questions go like this: How do you define those that have that soul searching quest? How do I define myself? Am I spiritual? Am I a searcher? Am I a thinker? Am I just a curious person? All of the them?
I always felt I didn't quite belong in any any specific group that defined themselves on this soul search. If I thought about spiritual groups that I came to know, they often tended to be a bit fanatic, and I was too logical to be a fanatic. I didn't fit in the new age thinkers either, which condemmned religion, but became fanatics themselves. I never felt part of a community of soul searching lot, and this is quite lonely to be honest. Only recently I found that humans have this imperative need to belong...to be part of a community and I realised this was what I was lacking. And my happiness depended on it.
So where to find my tribe?
My quest for spirituality began when I was five or six, I think, because I remember having that sense of not feeling I belonged, and feeling there was some sort of code that was different, rooted in my soul or spirit. So this was something that I needed to research.
I was constantly searching for freedom. "I want to be free!" I would shout angrily at my sister. but where to find that freedom. Was it travelling, was it being in open spaces, was it becoming something different and cutting roots with everything I owned and people I knew?
My soul had the need to be free in a way I could not explain....Maybe because I felt like I was not part of this world. I felt I was different. And for a long time I felt trap. Trapped in a world I did not belong. And because I couldn't understand what I felt, I read and researched on this subject.
And I found other people like me. Other searchers...philosophers, spiritual healers, even writers from the Beat Generation and Aldous Huxley to Joseph Campbell, Castaneda and the spiritual searchers. Explorers and writers that needed to get out....and felt trapped. Music was also another way to exploring the realms of ones being. The Doors, Pink Floyd...
I bumped into them during my early twenties. And then during my thirties I forgot who I was. I lived a life without any purpose for a bit, which led me to explore my hole of existential emptiness. But luckily in my late thirties I started reconnecting...The cycle of my personal quest had its highs and lows. I again found authors again that shone a light. I met the right people. And even bumped into new thing through Social Media, with its bombarding existence, that also shed some light, and ignited my existential curiosity once again.
And then I had the accident, and I was thrown overboard. And felt I had to start over again. Now, this is now. I've been born again. And I am once again searching.
Now I plan to build my own community of searchers and spiritual beings that want to share this search together. I want to plan this meetings where we can read, write, and discuss about our search and find ways to can coach ourselves to move forward. By making this happen I will expand my being.
Maybe its going to back to basics...rediscovering authors I've never found.
Below is my playlist for new things i want to read...
Alan Watts - I have to put this song as a meditation each time I can...and maybe read his work.
Baba Ram Dass - I already read his book Be Here Now but I want to own it and make a game out of it to be able to explore on my group coaching sessions. Because i found a lot of his writing brought me back to my quest...or remided me of my seventeen year old self, so pulled me into search mode.
Stutz the film - i need to see it. I recently met an amazing person that spoke to me about this film and how it had changed his life. It had given him courage. Courage to be who he wanted to be. This is what I am searching for. To be who I really want to be, or who I am meant to become.
Be able to explore "The Work" of Byron Katie with my coaching groups.
Read new old authors I have not been able to explore much...like Lousie Hay or Marianne Williamson and her take on A Course in Miracles and eventually explore the most important subjects of this within my community.
Leer el Libro Tibetano de la Vida y La Muerte...y explorar estos temas de personas en planos paralelos mas.
Y sobre todo hablemos de Coraje....Courage. How to become a corageous person.
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