Alan Watts and philosophy of a spiritual creator

I always had the need to find a way to define myself, or to define my souls quest, into a solid vocation, a purpose or reason to live.

However, I did not find it. Yet. My mind has its really high demands of finding a perfect answer or definition to my purpose. But not everyone finds that. And maybe I am one of those...and maybe its not such a big issue. Some people never even question their existence, and live and move along and are extremely happy. Should I aim for that simple life? Could I find peace within me to do it?

I do believe that people with a certain level of sensibility, or that soul ignition that won't let them rest in peace, will never be at ease not expressing this or finding ways to "find something". But I really wish I did not have that belief in my system so I could believe the contrary and be happy. Rest. 

The questions go like this: How do you define those that have that soul searching quest? How do I define myself? Am I spiritual? Am I a searcher? Am I a thinker? Am I just a curious person? All of the them?

I always felt I didn't quite belong in any any specific group that defined themselves on this soul search. If I thought about spiritual groups that I came to know, they often tended to be a bit fanatic, and I was too logical to be a fanatic. I didn't fit in the new age thinkers either, which condemmned religion, but became fanatics themselves. I never felt part of a community of soul searching lot, and this is quite lonely to be honest. Only recently I found that humans have this imperative need to belong...to be part of a community and I realised this was what I was lacking. And my happiness depended on it. 

So where to find my tribe?

My quest for spirituality began when I was five or six, I think, because I remember having that sense of not feeling I belonged, and feeling there was some sort of code that was different, rooted in my soul or spirit. So this was something that I needed to research.

I was constantly searching for freedom.  "I want to be free!" I would shout angrily at my sister. but where to find that freedom. Was it travelling, was it being in open spaces, was it becoming something different and cutting roots with everything I owned and people I knew?

My soul had the need to be free in a way I could not explain....Maybe because I felt like I was not part of this world. I felt I was different. And for a long time I felt trap. Trapped in a world I did not belong.  And because I couldn't understand what I felt, I read and researched on this subject.

And I found other people like me. Other searchers...philosophers, spiritual healers, even writers from the Beat Generation and Aldous Huxley to  Joseph Campbell, Castaneda and the spiritual searchers. Explorers and writers that needed to get out....and felt trapped. Music was also another way to exploring the realms of ones being. The Doors, Pink Floyd... 

I bumped into them during my early twenties. And then during my thirties I forgot who I was. I lived a life without any purpose for a bit, which led me to explore my hole of existential emptiness. But luckily in my late thirties I started reconnecting...The cycle of my personal quest had its highs and lows. I again found authors again that shone a light. I met the right people. And even bumped into new thing through Social Media, with its bombarding existence, that also shed some light, and ignited my existential curiosity once again. 

And then I had the accident, and I was thrown overboard. And felt I had to start over again. Now, this is now. I've been born again. And I am once again searching. 

Now I plan to build my own community of searchers and spiritual beings that want to share this search together. I want to plan this meetings where we can read, write, and discuss about our search and find ways to can coach ourselves to move forward.  By making this happen I will expand my being. 

Maybe its going to back to basics...rediscovering authors I've never found. 

Below is my playlist for new things i want to read...

Alan Watts - I have to put this song as a meditation each time I can...and maybe read his work. 

Baba Ram Dass - I already read his book Be Here Now but I want to own it and make a game out of it to be able to explore on my group coaching sessions. Because i found a lot of his writing brought me back to my quest...or remided me of my seventeen year old self, so pulled me into search mode.

Stutz the film - i need to see it. I recently met an amazing person that spoke to me about this film and how it had changed his life. It had given him courage. Courage to be who he wanted to be. This is what I am searching for. To be who I really want to be, or who I am meant to become.

Be able to explore "The Work" of Byron Katie with my coaching groups.

Read new old authors I have not been able to explore much...like Lousie Hay or Marianne Williamson and her take on A Course in Miracles and eventually explore the most important subjects of this within my community. 

Leer el Libro Tibetano de la Vida y La Muerte...y explorar estos temas de personas en planos paralelos mas.

Y sobre todo hablemos de Coraje....Courage. How to become a corageous person.

.

Illusions are best keep alive if we plan to be happy for a long time.

If it is our beliefs that make us happy, then settling for a life less ordinary, and thinking it's not what you bargained for when you decided to come to earth and be born, will be like staying outside of our happiness zone.

It's only my illusions for a better future that make me feel happiness for the life I am living, where I can know that at some point I will get where I want.

The problem is when you don't. When life passes by and you start loosing energy and you did not get to become a well know journalist, a famous singer, a film director that creates amazing projects, a published writer or a public speaker.

They all have one thing in common. My voice. My voice is what needs to be heard.

It won't be heard working for a company that pays the bills. It needs to come from delivering something creative.

Frente a las amistades negativas o realistas

A veces las amistades nos previenen de cosas. Y otras veces proyectan sus propios miedos y nos pinchan el globo. Hace falta explorar qué se esconde detrás de ese “realismo” negativo de otros. Porque la "realidad" muchas veces nos muestra cosas inexplicablemente buenas y que escapan de probabilidades. 

Las cosas buenas sí suceden, con igual frecuencia que las malas. El problema es que no las registramos porque son silenciosas. No pegan un golpe en la mesa como lo hace la mala fortuna cuando llega.

La mala fortuna por ser tan gritona es más llamativa. La buena, a veces es tímida y da vergüenza.

Yo he tenido suerte en mi vida, y también un poco de la mala. Pero "por suerte", la buena que tuve en muchas situaciones fue mucho mas sorprendente que la mala. Las historias de magia que puedo contarle al mundo, dan cuenta que no hay por qué pensar en que las probabilidades nos van a jugar en contra. De lo contrario, hay iguales posibilidades de que ocurra o algo bueno o algo malo.

La preocupación muchas veces ocupa nuestros pensamientos gran parte del día. Yo tengo mañanas en las que me despierto 5 am solo preocupándome por temas que probablemente no ocurran. Hay demostraciones científicas que demuestras que solo ocurre un 10% de nuestras preocupaciones. Osea, me pre-ocupe, literalmente ocupé mi cabeza, consumí tiempo y bienestar, casi un 90% ineficientemente.

Pero volviendo al tema de la "realidad"...La realidad se basa por lo general en probabilidades de ocurrencias. No hay manual escrito ni garantías de que algo vaya a acontecer con certeza. 

Creo que lo importante de cultivar el pensamiento positivo "realista", antes que el malo "realista", es de las cosas mas importantes a enseñarle a nuestros hijos. Si sos un contaminador de "realidad" chota, esta bueno darse cuenta en algún momento de la vida que sos una persona negativa, mas que una persona realista.

La realidad es lo que vemos que sea. 

Las probabilidades del vaso medio lleno o del vaso medio vacío son propias. 

Llega cierto momento en que debemos elegir quién queremos ser.

Yo elijo el lleno. 

El pozo infinito encriptado

Encontré esto que escribí en Febrero, hace unos meses transitando tiempos durísimos. Sigo en la misma dureza aguda, pero de repente me hace bien acordarme que a veces escribo y me calma.

No me considero una poeta. De hecho siempre me aburrió leer poesía. Pero esa cosa de las palabras sueltas inconexas me re interpela por momentos. Es autentica, se siente en mis entrañas y fluye. Como el "Howl" de Ginsberg pero el mio, bien de chick lit argento. No me pidan tantos acentos.

Si yo quisiera plasmar mi neurosis

Acá se encuentra

Entre papeles y hojas sueltas

Las mismas vueltas

Que se solapan 

Sin sublimacion

Estancadas en un pozo infinito

Siempre las mismas pistas

En el tirabuzon

Ahi estan imperceptibles

Para un ojo que se mantiene cerrado

Lo que repite la mente

Esa indecision al temido fracaso

Ese panico que nace en el aullido de la entraña

La soledad que siempre esta presente

El abandono intransigente 

Casi imperceptible para el que mira de afuera

Y la exigencia por un proposito mayor

Que nunca se revela

Por mas que patalee y lo pida

La niña con su boca pintada

De sonrisa falsa

Intenta

Siempre

Como puedo comunicar lo que quiero comunicar si no me animo...

Lo hago primero a escondidas.

Lo hago primero con un pseudonimo.

Lo hago planificandolo e involucrando a otros. 

No lo hago - NOT AN OPTION

Segun Chat GPT

1. Reflexiona sobre tus sentimientos: Antes de comunicarte con los demás, tómate un tiempo para comprender y aceptar tus propias emociones. Esto te ayudará a expresarte de manera más clara y coherente.

2. Encuentra un medio de expresión cómodo: No todos se sienten cómodos expresándose verbalmente. Puedes explorar otras formas de comunicación, como escribir en un diario, crear arte, o incluso hablar con un terapeuta.

3. Comienza poco a poco: No sientas que necesitas compartir todos tus sentimientos de una vez. Puedes empezar hablando con alguien de confianza, como un amigo cercano o un familiar, sobre tus emociones más leves. A medida que te sientas más cómodo, podrás compartir más abiertamente.

4. Practica la autocompasión: Recuerda que está bien sentir miedo o vergüenza, y no eres el único que experimenta estas emociones. Trátate con amabilidad y paciencia a medida que trabajas para superar tus temores.

5. Enfrenta gradualmente tus miedos: Desafíate a ti mismo a expresar tus sentimientos en situaciones cada vez más desafiantes. Puede ser útil establecer metas pequeñas y alcanzables para ti mismo.

6. Recuerda tu motivación: ¿Por qué sientes la necesidad de comunicar tus sentimientos al mundo? Recordar tus razones puede darte la motivación necesaria para superar tus miedos y seguir adelante.

7. Busca apoyo: No tengas miedo de pedir ayuda si lo necesitas. Ya sea a través de amigos, familiares o profesionales de la salud mental, tener un sistema de apoyo puede hacer que el proceso sea más manejable.

Recuerda que enfrentar tus miedos puede llevar tiempo y esfuerzo, pero el crecimiento personal que experimentarás al expresar tus emociones valdrá la pena. ¡Ánimo!

Years back, in 2008, something happened which changed my life and sense of who I was. I lost my tribe. I lost my best friends. I lost myself with guilt, sorrow and grief. 

Pluto was just entering Capricorn. And I had never had any issues with Pluto before, but it entering Capricorn meant that it was going to be delivering a few changes to many planets in libra which were basically, four of them. So it meant shitty times were coming ahead. 

Except I didn't know that. 

Now that Pluto has left Capricorn and entered Acuarius, I actually have began to feel myself again. My free self. Which hopefully brings good changes ahead.

Hacerme amiga de mi misma

Hace poco leí cosas que había escrito acerca de la soledad. Hubo muchos momentos en mi vida en los que me sentí sola. Me sentía sola y no podía entender por qué. Tenía gente alrededor, tenía personas. Pero no confiaba en ninguna. Sentía que no podía pedirle ayuda a nadie. Y eso te hace sentir realmente solo. No confiar en nadie. Y el problema en verdad es que ese alguien no era yo. No confiaba en mí misma.  

En ese momento pensaba que eran los otros.

"Me siento sola porque no confío en nadie. Y no es que no confío en la gente en las cosas diarias. Sino es una confianza más profunda que hace tiempo vengo masticando para entender. 

Siento que todas mis relaciones están condicionadas a que yo sea de una manera u otra. Pero en esencia es que sea buena, que me porte bien, que no joda. Que cumpla con lo que dice el manual de usos y costumbres y los hábitos comunes de los seres humanos. 

La confianza de la que hablo, es esa que nos hace sentir contenidos, cuidados, mimados. La que nos hace sentir parte de una tribu y de una red de pertenencia. Esa que se siente en las entrañas, en lo más profundo. Y el chip cuando no la tenemos se activa con el miedo específico a la soledad. A que nos dejen tirado en una zanja y pasen de lado y nadie nos ayude. La confianza incondicional, se llama. 

Se siente cuando en el corazón hay un sector bien calentito y abrigado, que te dice que personas que uno quiere, y que ama, van a estar allí para uno “no matter what”. Van a estar cuando las papas quemen. Van a estar cuando estés enterrada en el barro desesperada por salir a flote. Van a estar cuando estés hecha trizas en una cama con depresión y desesperada por recibir ayuda. Van a estar cuando te sientas bien sola, y van a saber como acompañarte o hacer algo para hacerte sonreír. Van a estar. 

Y del lado de no estar, se encuentra eso que yo simplemente llamo egoísmo, patetismo, y narcisismo. 

Mis amigas siempre fueron esta contención para mí. Siempre, hasta que un día, por un hecho choto, no lo fueron. En verdad se trató principalmente de que las papas hirvieron y que el barro más profundo nos enterró. Y en ese momento me di cuenta que no estaban ahí para mí. Cometí errores y no supieron escucharme. Pedí ayuda y se dieron vuelta, y les dio paja salirse del lugarcito cómodo o simplemente pensaron “mejor no me meto”. Y si…es más cómodo y más fácil no meterse.”

Hoy leyendo esto sé que el problema fue que yo no supe defenderme. No supe levantar la mano por mi misma. No me quise meter. No quise escuchar. 

Cuando se habla de estar bien con uno mismo, es cierto. Nosotros somos la persona más importante que tenemos al lado. Si no nos escuchamos ni nos defendemos nadie va a hacerlo por nosotras. 

Pandemic thinking....

I just came across writing I'd done during the "Pandemia". Actually from June 2021, when there were restrictions back on.

5 de June 2021

I’m tired of questioning myself about not being able to be alone or feeling sorry for myself because I have been alone. Sebas said it was that I couldn't stand my empty moments and being with myself.

I resented that. Because I love being alone. I like my alone time when I can sit down and write and be with myself. It's true that I’m almost never quiet. I have a constant conversation with myself. My mind is always trying to solve problems and come up with solutions to various things: that formula on the spreadsheet I couldn’t quite make up, what furniture I’ve got to buy, and where can I find the best quality and the cheapest - where can i not be robbed as practically everyone in Argentina charges ridiculous amounts for absolutely anything that has two wooden legs or a cushion - or what should I buy this month that I have been procrastination because of my time being consumed by work or distractions. The lockdown made matters worse. Lots of time with myself. And lots of Whatsapp check-in time. Just to feel I am not being forgotten by my friends.

In the morning it dawned on me that it's not that I don’t like being by myself- I do love it - however I love so much sharing with people, laughter and the energy flow that goes on at gatherings, much more than spending time alone. If I had too much of one, I would be missing the other. And I’ve had too much time with myself this lockdown. I need the right balance of both in order to feel myself. 

On being alive

I am alive. I was born again on the 7th of July 2023, and I keep on reminding myself I should not be here, I had good luck or I had unfinished business. Partly I thought about how much I'd written and would go straight to the trash...But maybe I am being a bit of a narcisist  And now that I am alive, the only thing that burns inside me, isn't the fact that life is simply beautiful and it needs to be enjoyed, but it is that if I am here I should at least be leaving something behind, that will help others when difficult times arise. 

This is the sole purpose of this website, journal, blog or whatever I intend to call it.

Some bits of my thoughts, and ideas...Things I think might help someone else. 

This is what I know:

1. Once you are dead, no one will do the dirty work for you. You are certainly alone in this world, and in order to connect with others, you need to be able to put yourself out there. No one will collect the peaces of papers I wrote in my early day, and they will probably burn down, as well as all those ideas, "fantastic" ideas, or "shitty" ones. Whatever they are, if I intend to do something with them they need to be shared.

2. Sharing is difficult. Exposing oneself is excruciatingly painful, but at the same time has the power to make you feel alive, and to shed a light to others which may be at a darker place than the one I ever came upon. If I don't share, the possibilities are limited to none.

3. So yes, you are alone. But you have yourself always. And there is an unlimited source of love that comes from a magical place, somewhere out there, which can only be experiences when you connect with doing what you love.

This is why I write. To connect with myself, and to ultimately experience pure love. Unlimitless love. This is what I want, and what probably everyone else wants.

Luna en Escorpio / Moon in scorpio

I just realised the power this has had on my well being and my attitudes in life. I've got a complex astrological map, that has given me this bipolarity.

All in all, I have been fucked over an over by Saturn and Scorpio.

Thought this was and is still a bit funny and sad - but however comforting blaming the stars.

7 de Junio 2016

Que nos asombra? La gente que no se da por vencida.

La gente que es capaz de perdonar de corazon. Sin buscar venganza.

Gente que con muy poco logra cosas increibles.

La gente que no se da cuenta de las cosas obvias.

3 de Mayo 2016

The four or five things today that build my journey of life are not all intertwined as one would like them to be. Some are the same or parts of an already walked journey. For most the normal path is having a job, owning a house, being married, having kids. 

I was never part of the 'normal'. I always chose a different path... My own path. And at one point in my life I stressed endlessly for not being normal. For not reaching those milestones of normality, but I then remembered that those milestones had never been MY milestones. 

So I started wondering which were my milestones. Which ones would make me feel my life had been worth living? Which ones make me happy?

My milestones

- live abroad

- travel around the world

- live my life spiritually connected

- help other people view the world as I do ( happinness, spiritutual)

- write a book or film a movie and publish or show it

- Find a partner that will make me laugh, will challenge me intellectually,  and will make me shine brighter. And will be my life partner... 

- Create a family out of love conviction.

25 de abril 2016

Quiero ser filosofa y escribir mis pensamientos en un libro. Y quizas hacer luego un documental o expresarme en algun medio audiovisual.

Quiero hablar sobre mi teoria del odio y la reconciliacion. Quiero hablar de cosas.

Why not just write? Why do I feel i need to study more? I just feel that because I don't know everything I can't be the best or tell people about what I think. But I should be able to. Right? That's how Sartre or whoever went around it... Writing about their misery.

It's quite funny how in our world, our philosophy teacher are people that were deeply troubled and depressed, as if depression was the key to truth, and the real understanding of human nature and the keys to happiness. Well... I think that being deeply anguished does help you see the solution to happiness only if you overcome the saddness. This people never did. They just walowed in misery and talked about how to create less oppressive natures out of the horror of their depression, and their lack of existensialism and we, the human race, just elevated their thinking to something worth following. Satre, Foucoult - a resented high-class transvesti, Marx

15 de marzo 2016

London helped me realise that I could build a world again apart from my old world, wherever I was, in the world. I could start again wherever. However it also made me realise how amazing my life already was in Argentina. I had suffered a great deal the years begore, losing friends, partners, and I thought that those persons where the only ones that brought me happiness. After London, i realised there are many more that already did, and many more to come. It also showed me that it's easy to build different worlds by chasing what you love.

19 nov 2013

I dreamt my boyfriend (a boyfriend) had killed someone and I was okay with it. That's how limitless I am.

I am more scared of being alone than I thought I was. As soon as I start elaborating the idea dreams starts haunting me.

How ridicoulous? I start remembering how I felt at those times, when I was alone, and had no hope. When I cared too much about people in the past that had hurt me and not about the present.

That's when I know i need sun. Rays. Some sort of vitamin i am missing.

10 abril 2016

Writing something beautiful every single day will lead to comfort. To helping me find creative ideas.

I'm feeling uneasy. Why? Because days are going by and I've still got nothing to do. I don't have an idea of what I could do.