Como puedo comunicar lo que quiero comunicar si no me animo...

Lo hago primero a escondida.

Lo hago primero con un pseudonimo

Lo hago planificandolo e involucrando a otros. 

No lo hago - NOT AN APRION

Segun Chat GPT

1. Reflexiona sobre tus sentimientos: Antes de comunicarte con los demás, tómate un tiempo para comprender y aceptar tus propias emociones. Esto te ayudará a expresarte de manera más clara y coherente.

2. Encuentra un medio de expresión cómodo: No todos se sienten cómodos expresándose verbalmente. Puedes explorar otras formas de comunicación, como escribir en un diario, crear arte, o incluso hablar con un terapeuta.

3. Comienza poco a poco: No sientas que necesitas compartir todos tus sentimientos de una vez. Puedes empezar hablando con alguien de confianza, como un amigo cercano o un familiar, sobre tus emociones más leves. A medida que te sientas más cómodo, podrás compartir más abiertamente.

4. Practica la autocompasión: Recuerda que está bien sentir miedo o vergüenza, y no eres el único que experimenta estas emociones. Trátate con amabilidad y paciencia a medida que trabajas para superar tus temores.

5. Enfrenta gradualmente tus miedos: Desafíate a ti mismo a expresar tus sentimientos en situaciones cada vez más desafiantes. Puede ser útil establecer metas pequeñas y alcanzables para ti mismo.

6. Recuerda tu motivación: ¿Por qué sientes la necesidad de comunicar tus sentimientos al mundo? Recordar tus razones puede darte la motivación necesaria para superar tus miedos y seguir adelante.

7. Busca apoyo: No tengas miedo de pedir ayuda si lo necesitas. Ya sea a través de amigos, familiares o profesionales de la salud mental, tener un sistema de apoyo puede hacer que el proceso sea más manejable.

Recuerda que enfrentar tus miedos puede llevar tiempo y esfuerzo, pero el crecimiento personal que experimentarás al expresar tus emociones valdrá la pena. ¡Ánimo!

Years back, in 2008, something happened which changed my life and sense of who I was. I lost my tribe. I lost my best friends. I lost myself with guilt, sorrow and grief. 

Pluto was just entering Capricorn. And I had never had any issues with Pluto before, but it entering Capricorn meant that it was going to be delivering a few changes to many planets in libra which were basically, four of them. So it meant shitty times were coming ahead. 

Except I didn't know that. 

Now that Pluto has left Capricorn and entered Acuarius, I actually have began to feel myself again. My free self. Which hopefully brings good changes ahead.

Hacerme amiga de mi misma

Hace poco leí cosas que había escrito acerca de la soledad. Hubo muchos momentos en mi vida en los que me sentí sola. Me sentía sola y no podía entender por qué. Tenía gente alrededor, tenía personas. Pero no confiaba en ninguna. Sentía que no podía pedirle ayuda a nadie. Y eso te hace sentir realmente solo. No confiar en nadie. Y el problema en verdad es que ese alguien no era yo. No confiaba en mí misma.  

En ese momento pensaba que eran los otros.

"Me siento sola porque no confío en nadie. Y no es que no confío en la gente en las cosas diarias. Sino es una confianza más profunda que hace tiempo vengo masticando para entender. 

Siento que todas mis relaciones están condicionadas a que yo sea de una manera u otra. Pero en esencia es que sea buena, que me porte bien, que no joda. Que cumpla con lo que dice el manual de usos y costumbres y los hábitos comunes de los seres humanos. 

La confianza de la que hablo, es esa que nos hace sentir contenidos, cuidados, mimados. La que nos hace sentir parte de una tribu y de una red de pertenencia. Esa que se siente en las entrañas, en lo más profundo. Y el chip cuando no la tenemos se activa con el miedo específico a la soledad. A que nos dejen tirado en una zanja y pasen de lado y nadie nos ayude. La confianza incondicional, se llama. 

Se siente cuando en el corazón hay un sector bien calentito y abrigado, que te dice que personas que uno quiere, y que ama, van a estar allí para uno “no matter what”. Van a estar cuando las papas quemen. Van a estar cuando estés enterrada en el barro desesperada por salir a flote. Van a estar cuando estés hecha trizas en una cama con depresión y desesperada por recibir ayuda. Van a estar cuando te sientas bien sola, y van a saber como acompañarte o hacer algo para hacerte sonreír. Van a estar. 

Y del lado de no estar, se encuentra eso que yo simplemente llamo egoísmo, patetismo, y narcisismo. 

Mis amigas siempre fueron esta contención para mí. Siempre, hasta que un día, por un hecho choto, no lo fueron. En verdad se trató principalmente de que las papas hirvieron y que el barro más profundo nos enterró. Y en ese momento me di cuenta que no estaban ahí para mí. Cometí errores y no supieron escucharme. Pedí ayuda y se dieron vuelta, y les dio paja salirse del lugarcito cómodo o simplemente pensaron “mejor no me meto”. Y si…es más cómodo y más fácil no meterse.”

Hoy leyendo esto sé que el problema fue que yo no supe defenderme. No supe levantar la mano por mi misma. No me quise meter. No quise escuchar. 

Cuando se habla de estar bien con uno mismo, es cierto. Nosotros somos la persona más importante que tenemos al lado. Si no nos escuchamos ni nos defendemos nadie va a hacerlo por nosotras. 

Pandemic thinking....

I just came across writing I'd done during the "Pandemia". Actually from June 2021, when there were restrictions back on.

5 de June 2021

I’m tired of questioning myself about not being able to be alone or feeling sorry for myself because I have been alone. Sebas said it was that I couldn't stand my empty moments and being with myself.

I resented that. Because I love being alone. I like my alone time when I can sit down and write and be with myself. It's true that I’m almost never quiet. I have a constant conversation with myself. My mind is always trying to solve problems and come up with solutions to various things: that formula on the spreadsheet I couldn’t quite make up, what furniture I’ve got to buy, and where can I find the best quality and the cheapest - where can i not be robbed as practically everyone in Argentina charges ridiculous amounts for absolutely anything that has two wooden legs or a cushion - or what should I buy this month that I have been procrastination because of my time being consumed by work or distractions. The lockdown made matters worse. Lots of time with myself. And lots of Whatsapp check-in time. Just to feel I am not being forgotten by my friends.

In the morning it dawned on me that it's not that I don’t like being by myself- I do love it - however I love so much sharing with people, laughter and the energy flow that goes on at gatherings, much more than spending time alone. If I had too much of one, I would be missing the other. And I’ve had too much time with myself this lockdown. I need the right balance of both in order to feel myself. 

On being alive

I am alive. I was born again on the 7th of July 2023, and I keep on reminding myself I should not be here, I had good luck or I had unfinished business. Partly I thought about how much I'd written and would go straight to the trash...But maybe I am being a bit of a narcisist  And now that I am alive, the only thing that burns inside me, isn't the fact that life is simply beautiful and it needs to be enjoyed, but it is that if I am here I should at least be leaving something behind, that will help others when difficult times arise. 

This is the sole purpose of this website, journal, blog or whatever I intend to call it.

Some bits of my thoughts, and ideas...Things I think might help someone else. 

This is what I know:

1. Once you are dead, no one will do the dirty work for you. You are certainly alone in this world, and in order to connect with others, you need to be able to put yourself out there. No one will collect the peaces of papers I wrote in my early day, and they will probably burn down, as well as all those ideas, "fantastic" ideas, or "shitty" ones. Whatever they are, if I intend to do something with them they need to be shared.

2. Sharing is difficult. Exposing oneself is excruciatingly painful, but at the same time has the power to make you feel alive, and to shed a light to others which may be at a darker place than the one I ever came upon. If I don't share, the possibilities are limited to none.

3. So yes, you are alone. But you have yourself always. And there is an unlimited source of love that comes from a magical place, somewhere out there, which can only be experiences when you connect with doing what you love.

This is why I write. To connect with myself, and to ultimately experience pure love. Unlimitless love. This is what I want, and what probably everyone else wants.

Luna en Escorpio / Moon in scorpio

I just realised the power this has had on my well being and my attitudes in life. I've got a complex astrological map, that has given me this bipolarity.

All in all, I have been fucked over an over by Saturn and Scorpio.

Thought this was and is still a bit funny and sad - but however comforting blaming the stars.

7 de Junio 2016

Que nos asombra? La gente que no se da por vencida.

La gente que es capaz de perdonar de corazon. Sin buscar venganza.

Gente que con muy poco logra cosas increibles.

La gente que no se da cuenta de las cosas obvias.

3 de Mayo 2016

The four or five things today that build my journey of life are not all intertwined as one would like them to be. Some are the same or parts of an already walked journey. For most the normal path is having a job, owning a house, being married, having kids. 

I was never part of the 'normal'. I always chose a different path... My own path. And at one point in my life I stressed endlessly for not being normal. For not reaching those milestones of normality, but I then remembered that those milestones had never been MY milestones. 

So I started wondering which were my milestones. Which ones would make me feel my life had been worth living? Which ones make me happy?

My milestones

- live abroad

- travel around the world

- live my life spiritually connected

- help other people view the world as I do ( happinness, spiritutual)

- write a book or film a movie and publish or show it

- Find a partner that will make me laugh, will challenge me intellectually,  and will make me shine brighter. And will be my life partner... 

- Create a family out of love conviction.

25 de abril 2016

Quiero ser filosofa y escribir mis pensamientos en un libro. Y quizas hacer luego un documental o expresarme en algun medio audiovisual.

Quiero hablar sobre mi teoria del odio y la reconciliacion. Quiero hablar de cosas.

Why not just write? Why do I feel i need to study more? I just feel that because I don't know everything I can't be the best or tell people about what I think. But I should be able to. Right? That's how Sartre or whoever went around it... Writing about their misery.

It's quite funny how in our world, our philosophy teacher are people that were deeply troubled and depressed, as if depression was the key to truth, and the real understanding of human nature and the keys to happiness. Well... I think that being deeply anguished does help you see the solution to happiness only if you overcome the saddness. This people never did. They just walowed in misery and talked about how to create less oppressive natures out of the horror of their depression, and their lack of existensialism and we, the human race, just elevated their thinking to something worth following. Satre, Foucoult - a resented high-class transvesti, Marx

15 de marzo 2016

London helped me realise that I could build a world again apart from my old world, wherever I was, in the world. I could start again wherever. However it also made me realise how amazing my life already was in Argentina. I had suffered a great deal the years begore, losing friends, partners, and I thought that those persons where the only ones that brought me happiness. After London, i realised there are many more that already did, and many more to come. It also showed me that it's easy to build different worlds by chasing what you love.

19 nov 2013

I dreamt my boyfriend (a boyfriend) had killed someone and I was okay with it. That's how limitless I am.

I am more scared of being alone than I thought I was. As soon as I start elaborating the idea dreams starts haunting me.

How ridicoulous? I start remembering how I felt at those times, when I was alone, and had no hope. When I cared too much about people in the past that had hurt me and not about the present.

That's when I know i need sun. Rays. Some sort of vitamin i am missing.

10 abril 2016

Writing something beautiful every single day will lead to comfort. To helping me find creative ideas.

I'm feeling uneasy. Why? Because days are going by and I've still got nothing to do. I don't have an idea of what I could do. 

A rather long recopilation of things I love...

I LUV - I compiled this list in London while 
I tried to reconnect with the beauty of life.

• The pictures of Sadler Wells dancers or any other contemporary dance photo sprayed in the tube in London, where you get that feeling you can float and leap into freedom.

• 
Nadia Comanecci, the story and the movie of 1980's. If I were to see it today I don't think I could be able to stop myself from crying all the way through.



• The Sound of Music for obvious childhood reasons: for Captain von Trapp's manly ways, strengh and his handsome looks. For Baroness Schneiders' dresses, for the phrase "I can't ask him to be less than he is" by Maria, for the sound of nostalgia.



• Sunny spring and autumn sunday mornings, the sun coming through the window, the warmth that spreads into your pores. There is something that reminds me of my childhood, of something primitive, as if nature is imprinted on ones memories, rooted by its loving energy.



• Walking into a bookstore and finding little treasures - books, which i find inspiring. The smell, colours, atmosphere makes me quiver in excitement, bringing little spasms of happy nostalgia. I feel like a child again, a girl of seven, that dreams of romance, a prince, and a happily ever after. A girl that thinks that everything is possible.



• Being inspired and getting the woozey oozey feeling in the upper chest, the thrills and goozebumps that shake your head with crazy energy, the light bulb ramble that drives you to dream of amazing things to come.



• The adrenaline that pumps throught my veins the moment I see white mountains, powder, and valleys and God's presence, and finding myself so close to nature. That sense of freedom. And knowing I can just breath deeply and probably spread my arms out in elevation and yes, fly. 


• 
Music. Tranquil, peaceful music, the one that helps quiet your mind and reconnect with your soul. And that moment. When happiness spreads through your body like electricity and you feel like crying out of emotion. Because life is majestically beautiful. 

• 

The smell from a new book, just opened, the pages that you can flip through. I love it so much... it transports me back to the school library, where I would spend so many of my brakes spread out in a sofa, lost in a magical world.



• The smell of jasmine and lillies. Ahhh, would love to live a life surrounded by them. Flowers... Is there anything more beautiful?



• Travelling and searching and reconnecting with ones hopes and dreams and the pure love of life. And adventure. I love adventure. 



• Talking to the sea. When I was a child I thought I was secretly a mermaid so the sea would know all my secrets and wishes and would help me make them true. I still wish upon it and sing new songs to it. And i still secretly think the sea will make my dreams come true.



• Writing. I just love writing. And being able to express muself through words, language, the miracle of choosing the right words with care and sensibility (this doesn't happen when I speak). I love writing.

Thanking and understanding

After four years, I'm in a better position than years back, when I started this blog and felt unhappy about the unfairness of certain events. Hard blows can affect you and fill you up in spite and posion your bloodstreams. Everything the people around you does, is misread, misinterpreted.

I've just re-read some old emails, and understood. How I wish I would have had my current skin way back then, my bloodstream, my clarity of thought.

I'm not happy about things that happenned in the past. I will never be. But I am greateful. They've made me who I am. I am me now.

Friends

In Argentina on the 20th of July we celebrate friendship day...

To my friends:
There are friends who stand up by you no matter what, those who are always up for a good party and for a boring one as long as you are together, those who are willing to listen even if your story is annoying, those who will go out of their way to help you out when you need a favour, those who you don't see that much but when you do you can't wait to have a long catch up, those who will make you feel you are the coolest person alive, those who won't let you ever down, those who will let you down but you forgive because you love and the most important of friends are those who are willing to tell you the truth no matter what.

Zen Habits

Me copo este blog. Muy ZEN.
Para ser feliz se necesita un poco de filosofia Zen. Y por supuesto no puede faltar la FE. Creer en un mundo magico, y tener fe, y solo fe, en que ese mundo si existe.
http://zenhabits.net/doing/